I use Twitter…which means blogging for me is hard. With Twitter, it’s instant gratification. I say my piece in 120 characters or less and I’m outta there. I do it a few times a day and there’s a record of what I was thinking or fuming about or observing, or whatever. It really isn’t much more effort to sit and write a few coherent sentences about my day, but for some reason, more daunting. I think that I’m afraid to start writing because I might not be able to stop. I might get on a political rant or a train of thought that involves something as simple as the weather and just talk talk talk. I must get over this, because I need some sort of better record of me. Most of what I do is in response to others nowadays. I see someone’s status on Facebook change to something interesting and I respond. I see someone has posted a beautiful picture and I respond. Someone sends me an email and I respond. Why? Because I feel obligated. The problem here is that I’m not taking the initiative. It’s all reaction with me. Some of that is time-related, some of it energy-level related, some of it due to the intense feeling of being overwhelmed when starting anything at all.
So, here’s what’s been going on. Last month, I started as a contributor for Gapers Block. Immediately, I got an email that involved the opportunity to interview Irvine Welsh. I don’t know how, but fate has decided that I get to do this amazing thing that I never thought I would have a chance at. In the meantime, all I have to do is read his most recent novel, come up with questions, buy a digital voice recorder, gain confidence in myself and my ability to hold a conversation with a stranger, and keep contributing to the website. I have failed miserably in the confidence and the contributing. I have fallen behind on my posting, mostly because I’ve been reading/researching questions. In about a week, I WILL be reviewed and I may be let go (even though it’s a volunteer job, I don’t want to lose it). This worries me, but I need to focus on doing a really great interview and if I get let go, so be it. I hope it doesn’t happen, but an important lesson in everyone’s life is how to fail and hold your chin up, I think. I haven’t been so good at that as of yet, but I’ve seen it done and it looks brilliant. If I can somehow manage to fail and still love myself, than this whole experience will be more than just an opportunity to meet my favorite author and a man I admire a great deal. It will be something I can keep with me for the rest of my life. If I don’t fail, even better. 
See what I mean about not being able to stop?
I have so much more to share. I’ve had months of experiences and haven’t recorded a single one of them. This year will always be a blur to me. Moving, broken legs, learning how insurance works, people jumping in front of trains, people jumping off of buildings, new things, new people, old people coming back into my life, other people leaving, missed reunions, friends becoming adults, friends becoming mothers and fathers, playing psychologist at work, having mental breakdowns at work, feeling useless, feeling useful, helping, hindering, reading, writing, regurgitating the already written, trying new things, straining to find routine, vacillating between awe and boredom, and so much more.
I have a lot to do this weekend and I’m going to try my hardest to enjoy it instead of letting it loom over me, because in the end, I do want it. I want to be happy and productive and artistic and I want to learn.
